When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
