8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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