he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
