4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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