Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
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I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
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I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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