Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
