Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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