Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
