And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
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Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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