I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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