yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
