OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
