East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
