MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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