Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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