she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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