At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
