He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
