I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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