never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
