someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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