I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
