My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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