It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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