I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
