Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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