Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
