i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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