so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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