my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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