I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
