Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
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Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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