He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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