I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
