I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
