Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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