I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize