Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
