we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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