I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
