i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think i have herpe
just one?
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
