I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
