Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
