mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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