I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize