i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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