Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
