I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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