I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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