Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
