2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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