My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
