They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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