Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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