My underwear smells like fireworks.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
