you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You may now shotgun with the bride
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
