my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
